Homeschooling, Part 2--Socialization

See the first installment here. Yes, I wrote it in September 2007!

(Disclaimer: Through these posts, I by no means mean to disparage those who have decided that homeschooling is not the best option for their family. There are definitely some parents out there that should not homeschool. I do think, though, that all things being equal, homeschooling is superior to public/private schooling, and I'll try to show that.

Secondly, as our kids are still very young, keep in mind that a lot of this is still theoretical for us. The rubber will be really hitting the road in the next few years!)

One of the first objections you hear when the topic of homeschooling is brought up: "What about socialization?" The objector has two presuppositions in mind when saying this: 1) Homeschooled kids don't get adequate/"normal" socialization and 2) Public schooled kids do. I would say that you can't make presuppositions on either of those points.


The latter first: socialization in the public schools. I would think that any rational individual who has experienced public schooling (such as myself), and can objectively reflect on their time there, would have to admit that there are some flaws in the way that our children are "socialized." Most would probably even admit that there are serious flaws.

Example: The "Playground Effect" When I was in elementary school, there were basically three groups of people: the bullies, the bullied, and everyone else. The first group was usually admired (or feared), the second group was scorned and ridiculed, and the third group pretty well stayed to themselves. This description simplifies things somewhat, but it held true for the most part in my school.

(I just remembered this great quote from "A Christmas Story":

"The lines were clearly drawn--like a kid caste system--you were either a Bully, a Toady, or one of the nameless rabble of Victims." Well said.)

I remember one poor soul in my class who was ridiculed mercilessly from the first day of kindergarten until the last day of our senior year. (Well, maybe he was given a day off here and there . . . ) What kind of "socialization" was he receiving? Do you think he entertained any suicidal thoughts? Probably daily . . .

A source of shame for me: often, I was one of the ones ganging up on him. Gosh, I can't say I really even disliked the guy, but I wanted to be in the "cool" crowd, and that's how most of that group spent their recess time every day; torturing this poor kid. Peer pressure at its worst.

I digress: Anyway, the point is that this "caste" system is devastating on our children's well-being. No one would say that bullies have "normal" social skills, nor do the bullied. The third group has to maintain vigilance so as not to induce the ire of the first group, nor accidentally be associated with the second group. This system starts as early as age 5!

The schools suffer from a policy called "age segregation": if you're 7 years old, you're in a class full of 7 year-olds. This is done with the educational side in mind primarily, but it has some drawbacks from the social side of things. First off, is this situation replicated anytime in someone's life after college? Is there any workplace which only hires 28-year olds? The reality is that it's necessary to identify and relate to people of all ages, not just your immediate age-group. But from Kindergarten, our children spend 9 months a year, 5 days a week, 5-7 hours a day with no one but kids the same age. During these formative years, years that will affect how they interact with the world the rest of their lives, they learn their social skills from their peers. This is nuts.

This clearly bleeds over into family life. I was a total jerk to my younger brothers (6 and 8 years my junior) when we were growing up, and I think the age segregation mindset of "people in other age groups are inferior" was a big influence in this. (Note: You rarely see this problem with homeschoolers.)

Another example: Each of my brothers had a cousin his age that they were very close with. They hung out a lot since they were little and never tired of each other's company. And yet when I would try to be courteous to these younger boys, it would turn into a very awkward social situation. They would look down at the floor, shift uncomfortably, mumble a few words and then run off as soon as they could. Good Lord, I wasn't giving them a job interview, I was just trying to be polite. This seems to be the norm though; why are we so uncomfortable to converse with different age groups?

What about a social "model"? Someone who can "teach" a young person how to interact with their fellow man? This is another flaw in the "system": we expect our children to learn how to socialize through osmosis, basically, trial and error. Why can't parents take more of a role, through example and instruction, in instilling good socialization skills in our young people?

Unfortunately, many adults often are very poor social models themselves. I'll admit, some kids from crappy homes are probably better off at school.

A personal example: let's take a typical day for me from about 5th grade to 12th grade. Wake up around 6:30, see my dad for five minutes before he left for work, ride to school with my mom, spend all day with my peer group, basketball/baseball practice after school, come home, have dinner with my family (approx. 20-30 minutes), then, either watch TV, do homework, talk on the phone, etc., but something definitely away from my parents for the most part. And so, in a typical school day, I was spending a max of 1 hour of my 16-hour day with one of my parents. Don't get me wrong: I love my parents dearly, and I feel very blessed to have had them, and I think that they are wonderful parental figures . . . but where was I learning how to relate to friends, teachers, girls? Peers.

Honestly, I feel like I came out of my public schooling years somewhat socially unscathed . . . and yet, I feel a lot of shame when I reflect back on a lot of the choices that I made before the age of . . . oh 25. A lot of my values and decision-making skills were compromised by peer influences and I had to work hard to eliminate the vestiges of these effects once I left college.

OK, enough complaining, what's the alternative?, you ask . . . A few aspects of a good homeschooling socialization "program":

--Parents, with good social skills themselves, as role models. Through example and instruction, parents teach their children how to interact with others. Lots of parent time is essential.

--Parental-monitored social activities. Play groups, study groups, church groups, sleepovers, pizza parties . . . these are all activities where the child to parent ratio will be low and where the social influences can be monitored.

--Interaction with families with similar values. A 4-year old shouldn't have to ask me why his best friend has two daddies; we can deal with that stuff when they're ready.

--Social interactions with people of different ages. Aunts, cousins, siblings, the check-out lady at the supermarket, the mechanic, the priest, newborn babies, etc. We're sharing the earth with all of them, so it's important that we can effectively communicate with them.


One more anecdote: During our senior year of college, Shan and I were attending a performance at the Krannert Center. She went to the restroom beforehand, and came out with a half-smile. I asked her what was up, and she told me that while in the restroom, a young girl of about 10 or so had complimented an older woman on her nice coat while they were washing hands. The women was a bit taken aback since such a young girl was initiating a conversation (as was Shannon), yet delighted that a child of that age would pay such a nice compliment. The conversation went on for a bit, cordially, and then the older woman asked the girl what school she attended; yep, you guessed it, she was homeschooled. This was one of the experiences that pushed Shannon over the hump in regards to homeschooling.


More could be said, but my children are clamoring for some "daddy-time." : )

Oh, and if you're still not convinced, you will be after reading this article.