The "Dark" Side of Shannon

After my last post (which was WAAAAYYY too long ago, my apologies), Heath commented that I really showed my "dark" side. It kind of took me back for a second. I wasn't expecting that response, to be honest. Now granted, anyone reading my post from February 7th can see what a trying day/week/month I was having with the kiddos, but I didn't really consider exposing my weaknesses and imperfections a "darkness". True, it is the darker side of my personality that most of you probably (and thankfully) do not have the unfortunate opportunity to witness. (Leave it to children to bring out the very best and worst of you, right?) However, when we wade through all the surface junk and dive deep into all of our own broken-ness, when we leave ourselves open and vulnerable, when we are exposed and unable to hide behind our masks...I think *that* is where healing happens. That is where we will grow from, if we allow ourselves to dig that deep. Is it dark? Yes. Is it scary? Absolutely! But it is also human. Change and growth does not happen from the ground up. It happens in the seeds beneath the surface.

So, yes, I gave you all a glimpse into my dark side. I hope you weren't too frightened. :) One of my personal goals this Lent is to change that dark side, beginning at the core of myself. In fact (and here again, you will get a view into my daily struggles), one of my explicit sacrifices this Lent is to not yell at my children. As Heath mentioned in an earlier post, I am using it as a stepping stone for permanent changes in my parenting behavior.

Now, not yelling may sound simple enough for some, and for others (who would never even dream of yelling at your children), it may sound horrible that this is an area I have to actively work on. I feel ashamed admitting this, but it is. That is not to say that I am yelling multiple times all hours of the day. But after the fourth or fifth tantrum from Cavan, after Kellyn has only slept for a total of twenty minutes in three daytime "naps", when my house is yet again a war-zone of toys, half-folded laundry and miscellaneous papers everywhere...my patience level is pretty tapped. And sometimes, I will yell because I do not have any other response left to give at that point. I always feel guilty afterwards and I always apologize to my children (especially Cavan) because I think it is important for parents to admit when they are wrong.

In order to change my knee-jerk response of yelling, I am shooting up many little "arrow" prayers during the day and walking away from situations when I feel my temperature rising. I am trying to step back and realize Cavan is a child and I am the adult. Surely, I can handle a better response than pure emotional yelling, right? I think this will be a very good thing for me as a parent and I think it will be a wonderful thing to model for my children as well. How are they ever supposed to learn how to deal with and handle overwhelming emotions if all they have witnessed their mother do is yell?

I do ask for your prayers and thoughts during this season of Lent as it has already been trying on many a day. I have had both triumphs and mini-defeats already, but I am proud to report that in the 2.5 weeks of Lent thus far, I have yelled less than a handful of times!!! In fact, the very first "incident" didn't even occur until I had survived a whole week of peaceful, composed parenting responses to my child. :) The fact that I have slipped up a few times is evidence of how easily we humans are seduced by temptation to stay in our ugly behaviors and how quickly we revert back to the old, sinful ways. I invite all of you to fully take advantage of this season of Lent by instituting positive changes in your own lives. Grab your shovels and trowels! Let's get back to the hopeful seedlings that God is calling us to be. Let's get beneath the surface and usurp all the dark, dirty parts that need light. Let's start digging as we look forward to a springtime filled with sunshine and growth!